Super Sunday Hamster Blender Blog

15 December 2007

Not a Creature Was Stirring, Not Even a Sheep

Being the Christmas season, and being as religious as I am, I thought it would be appropriate to address the meaning of the season. As the saying goes, “Jesus is the reason for the season, and Judas is the reason for the treason, and Mary Magdalene is for squeezin’ and for pleasin.’” At least that’s what they say in Kentucky.

Speaking of Mary, wasn’t The DaVinci Code the absolute worst movie ever? Talk about blasphemy; totally wasting the talent of French actor Jean Reno and French actress Audrey Tautou in one film. Why couldn’t Mr. Reno stick with classic scripts, like those he enjoyed in Rollerball and Le Godzilla? And Tom Hanks; well, he was just stupid. With bad hair. Really, really bad hair. It made me miss his masterful films of yesteryear, like Bachelor Party.

Basically, it comes down to this – I want Audrey Tautou for Christmas.

OK, granted, I think I am developing an addiction to bug-eyed girls (although I should probably avoid saying bug-eyed out of respect and to avoid a faux pas – that’s French, for my dear Audrey – and instead refer to them as wide-eyed, or, perhaps googly-eyed). I am also smitten by the girl, Sara, in the Ford commercial; the one where she is riding in the back seat of some odious looking vehicle staring out the moon roof, totally oblivious, totally thinking about me. She, too, has big bug, er, wide eyes. And being oblivious means she could possibly tolerate me. Anime works, too. And anime’s best deal is that they aren’t even real. I think you get a decent tax break for imaginary spouses.

Anyway, I was thinking how we have been paying homage to Jesus like good Christians for centuries by lavishing each other with gifts. What represents good Christian love more than a Nintendo Wii? Especially if you give it to yourself. Yes, Jesus got his chain totally yanked by Christmas. At his birth, he got myrrh and manure, but Mary and Joe Christ definitely scoffed them up, just like when you got US Savings Bonds for your birthday and Mom and Dad held onto them “for college” and then chartered a cruise.

I found some myrrh online for $10.99. The wise men were not only wise, but cheap. And myrrh was used for embalming and cremations. What a nice gift. Nothing says Merry Christmas, Baby Jesus like funeral home supplies.

OK, so the wise men probably did not say “Merry Christmas” for Jesus’ birth. They probably said “Happy Birthday” or “Merry Birthday.” I would have said “Myrrhy Birthday,” laughed sheepishly and moved to the back of the stable.

Laughing sheepishly in a stable means you go “baa baa ha ha ha.”

It is time to payback Jesus. Not with the emptiness of blind worship, but rather, with prototypical Christian materialism. Pretty much the entire US population, save for nuns, monks, and anime characters, have acted selfishly and ignorantly. We bestow each other with gifts and totally forget the reason for the bleatin’ (baa baa ha ha ha). Imagine if we all decided to throw Jesus a real birthday party with real gifts. And a Judas-shaped piñata. It would almost be as important as the Super Bowl. I know what you are thinking – Jesus is hard to shop for. I mean, he’s the Son of God. My advice is to not get too hung up on titles, and instead, examine what he has – a bed sheet and a diaper for clothes, some Birkenstocks, a clothesline-sized cross, and poor personal hygiene. You can get this man anything.

My short list of gifts for a Jesus B-Day Bash includes the DVD Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, a gift certificate to The Grooming Lounge, the DVD Amelie starring Audrey Tautou, some CDs by Stryper, a trip to Hedonism, funeral home supplies, and a snake .

Jesus and a snake! How cool would that be? It be would be, like, so punk rock, so hardcore. Jesus would be pumped!

“Holy shit! A snake! Fuckin’-A, man! I cannot believe it! I…I don’t know what to say…this is the best gift ever. Bless you…bless you, man.”

And then Jesus would totally ignore the rest of the gifts and play with his pet snake. Other people; you know, like Tom Hanks, would be “hey, Jesus, open my gift…c’mon Jesus…it’s great… I got you a rose bush.”

Faux pas, Tom! You idiot! Roses? Did you ever think about the thorns? Did you ever stop to think that Jesus may have a few bad memories about thorns? Tom Hanks can be such an insensitive dumb shit, sometimes.

Audrey Tautou giggles at my calling out of Tom and holds my hand and whispers in my ear “he’s such a dick.” Except she says it in French, because she took French I, II, and III in high school, and it sounds like “heez sutch a deek.”

Which reminds me of fifth grade. We were in a French language class, and placed into pairs and asked to develop a short dialogue, all in French. We would then perform our little skit in front of the class. Well, these two guys get up and start their deal. It’s going OK until one of them says “litz isk did.” Madame Williamine, our teacher, asks them to repeat.

“Litz isk did.”

Madame is perplexed. “What is it you are trying to say?”

One of the boys replies (sheepishly, no less), “Let’s ask Dad.”

Christ, that was the best thing ever.

So, anyway, to get back on track, I tell this little anecdote to Audrey, and she giggles again and she agrees to marry me and Jean Reno is my best man at our wedding. The band is Jesus and the Punk Rock Snakes because Jesus loved his snake so much it inspired him to form the band and he got signed to Hellcat Records. The band plays our wedding song, which happens to be Nine Inch Nails’ “We’re in This Together Now,” which they totally crucify and even though I am not a big Nine Inch Nails’ fan, I love this song, having blown the speakers in my ’94 Corolla with it. You just can’t blow your speakers playing The Righteous Brothers, Christopher Cross, or Vanilla Ice, like so many have tried.

I hope to God you picked up on the crucify, Nails, and Cross references.

There was a movie on the other day that starred Vanilla Ice. It was called Cool As Ice, and he plays a biker or pet store owner, I can’t recall. Anyway, Audrey and I rent it since we like to watch bad movies and make fun of them, but I trick her and I put in The DaVinci Code and she is, like, “oh, you bastard!” but with giggling and in French so it comes out as “litz isk did!” Whenever she speaks French, I have no idea what she is saying, so I nod enthusiastically and laugh back and give her diamonds. She finds this endearing and always plays Nintendo Wii with me. I make a little Mii character (for those who don’t have a Wii, a Mii is a type of Aviator, like Leonardo DeCaprio) of Audrey. It has huge, bug eyes.

Happy birthday, J-Dog.