Now is the Time to Start a Blog About Your Pancreas

Workshop: A Long-Term Strategy to Manipulating Life
Location: Nashville, Tennessee, God Complex Hotel & Resort
Date: June 1, 2007
Lecturer: Dr. Hamster, Ph.D. Metaphysical Nibbling

Overview:

One of the greatest roadblocks to life is death. Through a series of interactive experiences, learn how to manipulate your way through life in a futile, exhausting, and desperate manner that best masks the inevitable. Meet storied corpses and true-life masters of the pathetic. Network with other lost souls and practice the concepts on others before they practice on you.

Key Concepts Taught:

Don’t buy into the “live for the moment” propaganda, because if you really did, you would be broke and filled with syphilis.

Recognize that most people are jerks and master how to avoid or influence them. It is natural for people to embrace their own selfishness at your expense. Just recognize it, and try not to trust too many people; especially anyone that has anything to do with oil, Human Resources, and far-left liberals who own guns. Learn the Tolerate-At-Will (TAW) technique of ample nodding and feigned interest.

Embrace your own selfishness and practice the religion of Materialism. Instead of Communion, it comes with Coupons.

You know that phrase “dance as if no one is looking”? Don’t. Most of us look laughable and downright unimpressive even if we are the only witness; and of all people, you should not humiliate yourself in front of yourself. Instead, read a book as if no one is looking. Special corollary – reading a book in a Starbucks as if no one is looking is invalid, because you want people to look. That’s just sad.

Don’t get married until you’re at least thirty. And try leasing a spouse as an economical alternative.

Be a sweet drunk and not a belligerent one. It is much better to topple into a corner and hold court with your goofy smile and a napkin-tiara than it is to force your overblown life philosophies and principles of the retarded accompanied by non-stop spittle upon anyone, including the neighbor’s dog.

Stop talking so much. Most of the time, no one cares. You know how this goes; you are sitting in your cubicle, and you say out loud – to no one in particular – “man, my pancreas is acting up today.” And take your fucking phone off of speaker when you retrieve your voice mail.

Don’t eat at places like McDonald’s or Burger King or 7-11, no matter how tempting six tripe-filled taquitos for a dollar sounds. Read a book about tripe or taquitos instead.

You can’t be a Buddhist. Not if you watch American Idol or Survivor. That’s a Masochist.

No one cares about your blog, but keep at it. At the very least, it keeps you safely inside, away from the jerk-people. Unless you work on your blog wirelessly in a Starbucks, then that’s just sad.

You are not as cool as you think you are, and you are not as smart as you think you are. Stop quoting “Reservoir Dogs,” stop smoking cigars, and stop getting all your news from YouTube. All while listening to that “Best of Des Moines Jazz” CD you bought at the dollar store.

Avoid romantic relationships with co-workers who happen to be siblings or your parents.

Master death and dignity. When you die, make sure you are dressed like a pirate or a clown as a tribute to Donald Rumsfeld, The Great Pirate-Clown.

Never listen to Oprah. Don’t read any books she recommends; she’s manipulating you. In fact, send her books to read. Enclose a taquito with it.

Do not generate or forward email that is an attempt to be inspirational. Pictures with snow-covered mountains, sunflowers, kittens and Jesus are all sure signs of pleading, self-indulgent, emotional garbage (unless they are decapitated).

Contradicting youself is fine. Please go to My Contradiction

Start a band. Give it a name no one will remember (like Splendid Saturday Gerbil Toaster). Put your music on a web site and begin a blog. Be happy that a half-dozen people may read it, and that includes your mom. Be careful; if you work together, she may be flirting with you.